(or “Yay, Mommy’s Not Trying to Poison Us Tonight!”)

Aww heck, this subject is almost too painful to address. For as long as I can remember, I have been a tragic cook. During college, I tried to embrace my inner-Emeril with a simple stove-top goulash. Still etched in my memory is the vision of my father extracting melted spatula chunks from his meal. Bless his soul, he never complained as he left a pile of plastic “corpses” on the side of his plate.

I like to wisecrack with anyone who eats at my house that they should expect an “exciting element” (read: burned, undercooked, of a rubbery consistency, etc.) with their dining experience. It’s a weak attempt at humor in issuing a meal time disclaimer. It’s sort of my caveat emptor of the gastrointestinal persuasion.

Since I have so little to offer in this section, I’d like to share a couple of my nosh-time maneuvers.

• If you push your sales skills to their outer limits, you can persuade an innocent tyke that a meal that is scorched is being served mesquite.
• Most children can be convinced that it’s always breakfast somewhere in the world; therefore they will eat cereal or toaster pancakes for dinner.
• There is a very small window where you can actually lower your child’s expectations to the point that they accept your inferior talents. It’s a slippery slope, but if it gets you from point A to point B – go with it. I’ll warn you ahead of time that there will be a day when your unsullied nipper will say, “Mommy, you’re the bestest chef in the world!” It’ll break your heart to know the brainwashing has been a success. Unfortunately, once they’ve experienced school lunches (or hospital or prison food) you’ll be promptly relegated to the kitchen disaster that has been your lifelong stigma.

Rest assured, just because you can list the types of Hamburger Helper faster than your child’s blood type does not mean you’re a bad mother.

Believe it or not, I actually have 3-4 recipes that I nail every single time I produce them (you’ll notice I rely on my crockpot A LOT)! I’m sharing them with you in the hopes that you will reciprocate. Maybe, in a perfect world, I will have at least a full week of different meals for my family! The only recipe submission rule is it cannot take longer than 15 minutes to prepare the ingredients.