(or “I was a Much Better Mother Before I Had Children”)

Let me introduce you to a concept I have coined “Kiddie Karma.” Kiddie Karma is when you attach the word “never” to a statement about someone’s child or their parenting skills. Whatever statement you’ve launched into the universe will come back to spank you ten-fold. Allow me to share one of my numerous encounters with Kiddie Karma.

When I was three months pregnant with B-Dogg (and still flush with excitement about becoming a first-time Mommy), I went out to dinner with my friend Barb and her 2 ½ year old son, David. After a relatively uneventful dinner, I drove them home from the restaurant. Out of nowhere, David dug deep from within his diaphragm and let fly a primal scream that lasted about two minutes. At first, I feared that somehow a bobcat had gotten into the backseat and was mauling the poor child, but I soon realized it was just a temper tantrum. I silently contemplated driving into a utility pole, but remembered the small fetus growing in my uterus and kiboshed the impulse.

Barb apologized profusely saying, “He sure has impeccable timing! You’re probably wondering what you got yourself into with kids, huh?”

I told her not to worry, but I was secretly thinking, “Ohhhh Myyyyy Gaud! My child will never do that!”

Kiddie Karma, the sadistic mistress that she is, reared her ugly head a year later when B-Dogg HOWLED in the car for twenty minutes straight as we tried to find an exit off the highway (for one lousy burp). I barely found the will to live during that incident.

How has Kiddie Karma bitten you in the buttocks?