(or “Let It Rip, Sister!”)

I suppose motherhood is like any other job. Some days you’re the boss and other days you’re the peon (or is that pee-on?). The thing is in the corporate world your boss would never get away with the crap that your kids pull. There are laws that protect you from such debasement. I have moments when being the Mommy works on my very last nerve. I firmly believe that Moms are not unlike carbonated beverages. Shake us up enough and we’re bound to explode. It’s the Mom that doesn’t blow up from time to time that troubles me. Please God don’t let me be next to that Mama in the mall when all that backed-up anger decides to come out! You just know there’s going to be some collateral damage on that day.

Sparky and I have a secret phrase when things are getting to the boiling point, “I’m going out for a pack of smokes!” Mind you, neither one of us has ever been a smoker. This code red expression means, “take your children from me IMMEDIATELY or I won’t be responsible for my actions!” This catchphrase has saved our family from being the TOP STORY on the local news on more than one occasion. I highly recommend that you adopt an emergency sentence for your household. Preferably something that doesn’t alert the wee-ones that you are seconds from wigging out because they’ll use your “delicate” state to their advantage.

Allow me to share my “I’m seriously going to lose my marbles if…” list:

• …another Mad Small Person demands, “Get me water (or fast forward TiVo so Lilo has no commercials or run your fat butt upstairs to grab my blankie because I’m afraid of the dark)” when I’m tending to my third degree burns from making another disastrous dinner.
• …I hear “sorry” for the eighth time in five minutes as the Devil on Three Wheels runs over my foot with her Dora tricycle. Can you say, “¡Ayudame! ¡Mi mama me atado a mi cuna!” (“Help, my mother has velcroed me to my crib!”)?
• …someone doesn’t start taking my “NO” as my final word! “No” does not signify the starting point of negotiations. It is not a cute smile away from a “maybe” or five minutes of constant whining away from a “yes.” No means NO! Gosh, this must be what it feels like to be on a date with Jack Nicholson.

Feel free to release your pent-up feelings. Remember, what goes in must come out…