(or “You Could Have Warned Me About This BEFORE I Procreated!”)

These are the little truths that none of your friends or family had the decency to warn you about motherhood. Since becoming a mother, I’ve long suspected that all the other mothers I met pre-wee-ones got a “bonus” for recruiting me into the sisterhood. Sort of like Amway… except there’s no escaping the group afterwards.

This is our safe hamlet where we really need to leave our judgment at the door. Let’s just preface everything shared here with the statement, “I love my child(ren) so much, but…” I’ll go first to show a little good faith. Remember, this information NEVER leaves this place!

• “You’ll never be able to imagine your life without your child...” Anyone who utters these words has obviously been ingesting “special brownies” (and I think we should point that out to them). After giving birth to B-Dogg, I boycotted Sex and the City for the next nine months because Miranda resumed her life after giving birth to Brady. She went out for glamorous meals, to Weight Watchers meetings and continued “entertaining” male suitors. I was buried underneath 4,000 filthy bottles, sleep deprivation, and a stack a laundry that could crush a small child. I even forgot my husband’s name for a while. When I was on my fifth day without a shower, I hadn’t uttered an adult phrase in 48 hours and my freedom was quickly becoming a distant memory, I COULD VERY MUCH IMAGINE MY LIFE WITHOUT CHILDREN!
• “Ewwww!  Mommy's a lech!” This year, I finally joined the iPod craze and started downloading my collection of iTunes. I found myself searching the Top 100 Songs from 2002 and I’ll be darned if I recognized only a handful of songs. I guess a year of exclusively listening to Laurie Berkner and The Wiggles CDs rendered me out of touch. Mind you, these artists are a buttload better than Barney (in fact, I postponed having children in hopes that Barney would die before my eggs dried up – no such luck), but there is NO WAY to look cool in the car singing “Victor Vito” and “The Monkey Dance.” Unfortunately, you’ll notice this phenomenon spills over into other facets of your life. One day, while watching the Doodlebops with the kids, I found myself vigorously wondering what Moe looked like without his makeup. I just had this nagging feeling that he was a hottie underneath that yellow veneer. Praise Gore for the internet because within minutes I was able to answer my own question (look). Imagine my secret shame when I realized he was young enough to be my son if I pulled a Lorelai Gilmore. I was officially busted for ogling a barely-legal Doodlebop.

Go ahead, share your secrets… We promise we won’t tell anyone!